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Friday, 16 September 2022 – Renowned relationship expert, Benjamin Zulu, has sparked reactions after advising men not to marry single women with sons.
Read his full Facebook post.
There’s a silent understanding among men that marrying a woman who has a son is a risky business. You see a son is another man who may grow to challenge your authority. Fifty-fifty you may connect with him and he grows to like and respect you, fifty-fifty he may not.
You love the woman, but she also loves her son. And when push comes to shove you know she will choose her son. Or she will be so torn that she sinks into depression.
If it was a girl the risk would be very small unless she’s already grown and spoilt. But if she’s young all you need to do is to love her and spend time with her and once you win her heart she nominates you as the only dad she’ll ever pay allegiance to. Unlike girls, boys tend to derive their sense of identity from their biological lineage and he can go ‘in search of his roots’ even after you’ve done your best to love him and be a dad.
Another trait with men which makes them hard to handle is that they observe and they analyse. The moment your behavior doesn’t add up to what you claim to be, you’ve lost his respect. He may obey you superficially but he’s emotionally withdrawn for good. And since he despises you he can easily take on the behaviours you disapprove of in an attempt to just be different from you.
Generally, men reason and women understand.
Men analyse and arrive at a logical conclusion. But women tend to accommodate and empathise. So a daughter may still be fondly loving towards her drunkard dad but the son can’t stand him. The girl reasons in the lines of ‘Dad may have failed in some things but he has also done well in others. At least he didn’t beat up mom like some other men do and he was always there for us, his frequent drinking notwithstanding.’
But the son will simply show courtesy but no fondness or love towards the man, especially if he never tried to befriend the boy. While women can ride on mercy and accommodation, men respect track records and concrete credibility.
This is why so many men lose out on their sons. You cannot hoodwink boys. Your actions just have to add up. Otherwise, he’ll never respect you or your example.
By the same rule, men are extremely loyal when you win their respect. Even when you don’t talk daily and there are no many feelings between you, they will hold you in high regard and follow your example even after you’re dead.
So the secret code for fathering sons is to simply be honest and caring towards them. And you don’t need to be rich or famous. Just be consistent and attentive. He will be a high-flying politician in a superpower country and then he flies down to an unknown village to pay his respect to you as Obama did.
In summary, ladies think twice, or twenty times, before getting a child just anyhow because if the child turns out to be a son you may NEVER get married. Have you ever thought how different the story of Hagar, Sarah’s nanny, would have been if instead of getting a son she’d have gotten a daughter? In all likelihood, she’d never have been chased from Abraham’s home because daughters are usually not a territorial threat.
But in case your marriage broke and you have to raise a son, be brave and do your best. But don’t be obsessed with getting married to. Just decide that you’ll consider it if the man is ready to do all he can to be a dad to him. Otherwise, you can wait and raise your son first until he’s out of home.
The Kenyan DAILY POST.