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I used to think the 30s are a clear road. You know, by then you have your two children, a loving wife (the world’s best oxymoron), your dream car, and you were done building your residential house, now you can focus on your Ph.D., or be your area MCA, or an MP.

I believed that riding the 30s would be like exiting Nairobi, leaving all the stupid traffic behind, going past the annoying long-distance trucks and having the road to yourself, flooring the pedal, as Josky Kiambukuta’s Missile comforts you.

Turns out that to most, the 30s are actually a slow puncture. Sometimes it is a nasty tire burst. Sometimes, it is an engine check light on when you are in the place with no name somewhere in Narok or past Londiani, and your car is the type that a mechanic has to drive all the way from Nairobi, or you get a flatbed.

I have been reflecting on my life in the 30s. Mine has triumphant and tragic at the same time. The only consolation is that, so many men and women of my generation, have had it so rough, and many will have it rough in the days to come.

I have written a book that encapsulates the chaos of the 30s, and will be released in a date that I will announce.

Now, I am officially an old man. Nikipita nipate kijana mdogo amevaa kofia asitoe, hiyo ni hatia. Kama ameketi, lazima asimame. And lately, my uncles have been sharing community and family secrets, so I think it is about time I embraced my new role to bless and curse accordingly.

Anyway, the kidding (no pun) aside, let us get down to work.

This morning, all I wanna share is the 36 things I have learnt the last year, and about life in general. Without further ado, here we go.

1. Don’t overestimate your importance in people’s lives.

2. Some friendships are good for the night-outs, for trips, or the odd phone call. Give such friendships more time than they deserve, and you have yourself to blame.

3. Don’t let people’s standards intimidate you. Some of the most eloquent, fashionable people who set standards here lead very shitty lives, and they derive validation from your worshipping them. Believe in yourself.

4. Whatever impression you have of anyone, 99 percent of the time you are right.

5. No girl will break your heart more than the one you least expect. Or the one you were trying to be kind to or empathetic towards.

6. Good behaviour from men is rewarded by the worst savagery from women.

7. Some of the strongest people on the outside, are the weakest in the inside. Some of the most vulnerable folks are actually the strongest. Vulnerability, when well utilized is the best strength.

8. Many people don’t value your time. People value your time the way you value your time.

9. Wacheni kujituma. Don’t ever do more than is necessary for any situation. People have the capacity to get themselves out of any situation they find themselves. Kama unajituma, then remove any expectations.

10.Want to leave a girl, maybe tired of her BS? Just leave man. If she wants to dump you, that will be the easiest decision. She won’t even agonize over it. She will do it and she will hurt you even more.

11. You can’t talk a woman out of dumping you. The decision to dump you has a certain irreversible finality. She may only want you back if the replacement dumps her. Take her back and she will dump you again, this time round, even more savagely.

12. Achieng Atieno said, the worst character development comes from people below your league that you should have never even touched with a ten-foot pole.

13. Life does not respect your plans and fantasies. Plan, nonetheless. Dream on, nonetheless.

14.’Sorry’ from the mouth of someone who intentionally hurt you is actually an insult. People who knowingly hurt you should know better than say sorry.

15. Some of the people who hate you the worst are those that you failed to meet their interests. Has someone ever been so pissed at you because you failed to meet their expectations? Their hatred is the projection of their insecurities, envy, anger, disappointment, towards you for loving and valuing yourself more. People react accordingly depending on how their interests are met.

16. Always carry cash.

17. Don’t join guys who have been drinking for more than two hours ahead of you.

18. Speaking of drinking, don’t ever let people who drunker than you pressurize you into making a silly decision. Like a third and unnecessary bottle of whisky that no one will drink, or encourage to call the woman you shouldn’t call, or a random trip to nowhere at night. It always ends in tears.

19. If you are a man and you drink in the presence of men only, know you are a chronic drunkard, and check into a rehab.

20. The more expensive the wedding, the shorter it is likely to last and the more likely it will end in divorce.

21. We say that women are their own worst enemies, but have you tried men? Often, we are worse among ourselves.

22. We say women treat broke men with the madharau, but I have seen men with money, treat broke men with the worst contempt imaginable. This is a conversation we need to have man-to-man.

23. Few of our problems are caused by women, that is, if we stopped making them the centre of your attention.

24.On hypergamy: Sadly, there are no theory exams when it comes to hypergamy. All men learn the hard way, through a very practical session. Until it happens, you will never know what hit you.

25. You can’t beat the streets. You can’t cheat the streets. You can’t steal from the streets. The street giveth, the street taketh. Whether a Prince or a pauper, if you picked her in the street, even if you gave her the whole world, the streets will take her back. Ask Kanye West. The soon you can return her, the better for you.

26. Men have the criminal inability to know that women are capable of being different things to different men. That girl you see twerking in a club, can wear a dera and cook the best biryani to another man, refuse to even boil an egg for another, and show up in church, complete in a good dress and with a bible in hand, with yet for another. High-Value Simps and some beta orbiters sometimes hang around some very hot women, thinking the women love them and are rarely aware that it is their money that keeps them, until the money is gone, or a man with more money shows up. Don’t ever learn the hard way.

27. You can’t bury the past. It always springs at you uninvited.

28. Women hate simps. Literally. Some won’t tell you, but they won’t entertain you for long.

29. Grief becomes part of you. Always an unwelcome companion even at your happiest moment.

30. This came from a meme but slapped me so hard: “If you see your girl start to work out of nowhere, bro, you are about to be single again.” The accuracy of that man! I mean, no girl will ever want to improve herself for the man she is with. It is always the next dude.

31. There is always the next simp in line after you. Don’t beat yourself too hard.

32. As I said recently, a s!mp can recover once he takes his practical exams on Hypergamy 404 and embraces the redpill. No girl recovers from her poor choices.

33. If something bothers you a lot, ask yourself this: is there something I can do about it? Do it, then. If nothing, then fuck it.

34. Madame hawananga huruma ata kidogo, wewe wapee your woiye woiye stories. Nothing dries them faster, son.

35. Sometimes, make a decision and move along, and deal with the consequences, good or bad, or damn them. Many a time, we derail and hurt ourselves by indecision and inaction.

36. Buy yourself good shoes, treat yourself to a good meal, with a witty lady in a dress, and who won’t down a bottle of wine within 30 minutes.

The Kenyan DAILY POST.

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