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I have realised that most of us lack the courage to make the right decision, at the right time, and in so doing, we end up hurting ourselves more, doing irreparable damage to ourselves. 

In a bar, as men, we always know that last bottle of whisky is unnecessary. We know saying NO, can potentially save us from the nonsensical fight, save us from picking the girl who will spike our drink, or driving into a ditch.

But very few of us have the courage to say, “NO, enough for tonight, let us do this next week…”

It happens in other areas of our lives. We know when relationships have come to an end. We know we should bring up that conversation. But out of empathy, sympathy, foolishness, naivety, and overthinking how the other party will take it, we hold on, trying to find an easy way out. 

Then the other party, casually ends the relationship, and this can profoundly ruin your mood, you will find ordering n Heineken at 9.13 a.m. and sitting beside yourself with rage. 

Early this week, I had a drink with a Ugandan friend who had traveled to Kenya for a wedding ceremony of his Kenyan acquittance and colleague. The wedding didn’t take place, as the man pulled out on the wedding day over the weekend, after realizing it was not going to work. 

The Ugandan friend was furious, and it took a whole bottle of Honey-Laced Jack Daniels for him to see sense, and wisdom of pulling out of a relationship, at the right time, before making lifetime commitment. 

The guy pulling out of the wedding inspired me. How many of us have the courage to jump out such a speeding car?

The wedding season is upon us. A lot of young men have not done enough background checks on the girls they are marrying and five years from now (or less), they will be bitter men, totally bewildered from the Ph.D. in Character Development studies the girls are about to serve them.

They will be totally innocent in the whole scheme, and for some, it will be so worse, they may become monks. 

Look guys, foolishness in men is punished severely. Nature is unkind to men who make decision out of foolish romantic aspirations. 

And that is why if you are marrying this Christmas, you need to pause and ask yourself the tough and uncomfortable questions. 

Sociologists and the guys who understand these things have mapped out a number of predictors for a marriage that will last, that every man who is marrying should familiarize themselves with before making lifelong commitment. 

Because, when the marriage will stop making sense to the woman, dropping you is as easier than picking the right colour of her panty for her next date (that she has been cultivating while married to you). And as a man, you will agonize on what to do, as your sacrifices, your children and everything is carted away, and you are left to rue your choices. 

When I was researching for my novel, Sexorcised, whose theme is divorce, the question I kept asking divorced men I talked to was simple: Were there any signs from the outset of your marriage that when you look back, were pointers that the marriage will not last. Nine out of ten of the men I talked were point blank: “Chief, the red flags were everywhere.”

Two told me, that they started processing the divorce on their wedding day. Some said they had been warned by everyone around them, but love is blind. Love is not blind. Infatuation is mentally incapacitating. 

People will give you warnings before you sink deep, but once they realise, your head is deep in it (pun intended), they will let you to learn from your mistakes. You are never warned more than twice about your choices. When we meet girls, we are smitten with, as men, we tend to overlook their flaws, their upbringing, their gang of friends, their attitude towards finances, parenting, and we only focus on how they make us feel(OK, for men under 22, totally not OK, for any man over 25) 

Worse, is the ability of women to be different things to different men. One woman can be a down-to-earth wife material to one man, a trophy girlfriend to another, a freaky bedroom entertainer to another dude, and a nasty b*tchy to another man. This ability to be different things to different men is what has ruined men who have not been properly initiated. 

I am talking to high value s!mps. In red pill jargon, we call them beta providers or orbiters. Guys who spent time chewing books, got good jobs, still possess a good heart, and have zero skills at the game. They are guys who are marked by women who have had an active youthful life and now ready for settling. 

Most men with corporate jobs fall in this category, not entirely their fault, they were just well-raised. This is not an attack or a mockery of who they are. Rather a call, for them to open their eyes, drop the silly romantic ideals and start approaching relationship with the ruthless pragmatism of women. 

Marriage is not a trivial thing, son. Don’t marry a woman just because she is pregnant by you. 

Don’t marry a woman because she just heaped pressure on you. 

Don’t marry a woman out fear. Don’t marry a woman because you fear of the sunken cost. 

That you have invested too much on her. Don’t marry out of the ridiculous fear that there is no girl like her out here. 

Marry her for the right reasons. Marry her because she has a human heart. Marry her because she was well raised.

Marry her because she respects herself. Marry her because she is capable of making adult decisions. Marry her because she believes in the family unit, not for Instagram, or baby showers, or such flimsy reasons.

Because that is what she desires, and she is willing to give everything for the marriage to work. Marry her because she understands that marriage is between the two of you, not you and her gang of Baileys-sipping baby-gurls who set up standards for your marriage. 

Marry her if she has reconciled with her past and wants to focus on the future, not if she is hung up with that man, who she was once engaged to. Marry her because she respects you. Marry her, if her mother respected her father, and her father loved her mother. 

Marry her if she understands what male authority is, not by pretense, or conditionally. Marry her if she respects your mother and your siblings, and she can respectfully draw her own boundaries between herself and the sometimes complicated in-laws, while remaining respectful. 

Marry her if she enjoys cooking and doesn’t look at it as a chore. Don’t try that modernity thing of being “an understanding guy”. Marry her because she is interesting, has hobbies, has a purpose and mission in life. Marry a woman who loved God. 

I can go on. The list women put forward for the kind of man they want is longer than the Equator. But as men, we rarely have standards and we tend to think that her womb is enough, and the rest we can look away. And this is an astonishing assumption. 

Do a self-awareness assessment as a man. Ask yourself why is she settling with me? Is it because of me? Is it because my potential? Is it because of what I own? Is it because of my kindness? What is it she saw in you? 

Because, through evolution, women are driven to a type. Once you figure out the reason, see, if it is a sustainable reason. Often women fall in love with very shallow things, and a few years later, their eyes open and they walk away when the shallow thing is gone. 

And they leave with no qualms. So be self-aware. 

Two, study the animal kingdom. And then study man. Every domesticated animal has a wild equivalent that our ancestors could not tame. For a reason. 

Don’t go to a night club to pick a woman, and you want to cage her later. Kunguru hafugiki. That is inexcusable foolishness. Don’t go to dating sites and pick a woman to marry from there. Put simply, where you find a woman is where you will lose her. There is no politically correct way of putting this. 

Respect every woman you meet and the choices she has made about her life. You will not change her. She can make minor adjustment to trap you into marriage, or temporary provision, but when the right time come, she will revert to factory settings, and I am trying to save you from killing yourself or harming her for being who she is. 

You can avoid all these by taking your time to pick the right woman who you can have a healthy, loving relationship, not one who runs you out town. 

All of us men are like cars. Some men are good with women who drink and party. Some men like their women the church-going type. Some men prefer women who submit and don’t question them. 

Know yourself. Pick your type. Set the rules and boundaries from the word go. Anything less, will have you weeping and gnashing your teeth. 

Some relationships should end as flings. Some should be “summer romance”. Some should be rebounds and end there. Some can be friends-with-benefits. And some can end in marriage. 

All the best for men marrying this December. Approach marriage with confidence. And do the right thing. If you sense you are walking into a bad trap, canceling a wedding or that ruracio is cheaper than divorcing her when she has your two children. The choice is yours.

BY SILAS NYANCHWANI.

The Kenyan DAILY POST.

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