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Memo no.9 from the Office of the National Welfare of Men

Boy, Get out of that Friendzone!

Women are brutally efficient when it comes to picking friendships and relationships. They have a simple approach: use and dump.

Unlike men who string along useless baggage and garbage of friends (I know it is not cool to refer to human beings as garbage, but I don’t have kind words for men who don’t follow the bro code, snitches, and guys who keep in touch with our exes), women never keep useless friendships, even with fellow women. If a woman who used to keep in touch suddenly goes quiet, it means she has relegated to to the gutter where you belong.

Women have learnt a lot from men. There are women who can outdrink me in a night-out and never suffer a hangover (when I have to be wheeled to ICU and be put on a drip to resuscitate me back to life after binge-drinking), women who can hit and run, like a serial killer, women who run businesses better than men, women who are so adept at corporate politics, only dirtier, etc. Basically, the modern woman has picked the nasty bits of men, and perfected them.

I think it is time men learnt some of the more beautiful skills that nature gave women. One of such, is faking sweetness and niceness. Pretense is such an effective skill many women possess and any friendzoned guy can tell you they can’t get out of that jail easily because once a woman knows you have a crush on her, she will keep there, regularly calling for that favour that she knows you will drop anything to do it for her. She will thank you with emojis.

Anytime you want to escape, the woman becomes overly nice, sending messages with many useless emojis, it disarms you, before she sends you to buy dog food for her puppy.

Let us get a few things right. There is no such a thing as a friendzone. Once you express interest on a chick and hit on her, she carefully assesses your poor ass, before deciding where to place you. And they only have four categories.

1. Useful; can bang, can marry (if ready to settle)
2. Not useful; can bang, but not marriage material (yeah, there is such a thing as husband material-typically a simp, or beta male who can provide, after alpha male are done with her). So, when not useful, she can bang you, as she waits for her man to get serious, or for the beta (pun-intended) to show up.
3. Useful, but I don’t like him; maybe he is rich, or handsome, or nice to offer a shoulder to lean on when her man treats her like trush. This is what we call the friendzone. She will exploit you proper without extending sexual favours. If she is sympathetic, you may get a tight hug. If you are patient, 13 years later, she may consider you and reward you with a peck, for being so nice. In the meantime, you will be an errand boy, because she will need a good lawyer, a good mechanic, a good cop, joint for lunch (with her boyfriend who treats her like second-hand underwear).

4. Useless (spelled as u$seless). You are so useless, as useless as a worn-out broom. You are the one who gets blocked, calls go unanswered and you are blocked promptly if you become persistent, before she writes on Facebook, “Watu wengine hawajiheshimu, kama sijashika simu yako, sitashika.”

Women lack the biological capacity for shame. And that is another thing as men we can learn.

I recently watched a clip by some female radio personality warning men to know their place in a woman’s life. It is a woman I have seen on Citizen TV in the morning offering some contrarian advice about relationships. It was cringeworthy, and if Dedan Kimathi woke up from his unmarked grave to know that men have been reduced to the present amount of ridicule, he will promptly die again.

The lady was very categorical, on what women want from men. You are either a sponsor, donor, fuckboy, husband etc. And she said, you have to know your place, when to call, and such. In short, she said, let the woman call you when she needs you. I nearly excoriated her, but I knew, there are women who have such kind of power, they have numbers of dozens of men who can do anything for them from filling their gas, to buying expensive phones, to buying cars, to paying rent for them in Roysambu, to fixing any plumbing issues.

I don’t know how we ended up being so abused, despised, and treated with so much contempt. And we shouldn’t let this happen. I said recently, stop sending women money, unless, there is stated value you are getting from the transaction. I have seen and heard what women say of men who send them money, no woman says thank you. She always thinks you are desperate simp. No alpha male I know who sends women money. In fact, no alpha sends fare. Sending fare is the first reminder that you are a beta man. Most real men wait for her to arrive and she fuel her car, pay for her Uber, or walk to you. Those champs.

But back to the friendzone. I am probably the most friendzoned guy in Kenya. I have grown in the friendzone sector to a point I have negotiated bride price for a girl I would have married. True story. I am the Lloyd Masika of the Friendzone Real Estate. There is a lot I have learnt in that zone, and since I quit it, not four years ago, it has been the most liberating thing.

And this morning I want to liberate all men in the friendzone. If you ever asked a woman out and she rejected you, but kept you near as a ‘friend’ and she flirts with you, constantly raising your hopes, cut her off, pronto. No need of negotiating with a terrorist. In this Nairobi, there are men who are made to wait for several weeks, and there are men who are having her at will, and you are thinking, she is being chaste, playing hard to get… Naah, bro, she is hoodwinking you that she is a good girl. Boy, don’t be a fool.

The friendzone is the apartment near a river full of sewage. It is the apartment in Umoja, next to a church with faulty speakers. It is like sitting next to badly tuned speakers in a dingy bar. It is like sitting next to a urinal. It is not cool.

So, stop running errands for women if they are not paying. Stop offering emotional support to women you once asked out, rejected you and now you are their therapist. They still think you are shit.

Because, man, listen, a woman’s perception of you never changes. The first impression she made of you, remains, for the rest of her life. Of course, down the line, some do change their mind, and may come back, but they don’t come back because they are good people, it is worse, they come back, knowing they can fake their niceness and mislead you to think they are nice. She is not.

Don’t pick the phone. Don’t run the errands. Don’t do those referrals. Normalise telling her, “I don’t know.” Normalise, being cold on the phone, until they learn a thing or two about being humane.

Instead of rotting in that friendzone like a sick puppy in a kennel, here are a few things you can do, with the time you waste on a decidedly one-sided relationship.
1. Read the bible.
2. Read Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Or any classic book you have not read.
3. Watch the Godfather trilogy.
4. Jog. Hit the gym.
5. Listen to Notorious B.I.G. Take time to rediscover him as the greatest rapper, ever.
6. Start appreciating Rumba.
7. Learn a skill, fishing, welding, roasting ribs, anything.
8. Go out and enjoy the sun.
9. Hang out with your male friends. Call your old friends.
10. Chukua mchele hapo nje uchague.
11. Wash your clothes, hang them and watch them dry.
12. Watch documentaries.

Entertain a woman who can date you or do business with you. Stop useless friendships, playing escorts for alpha.

I have seen the derisive comments women make on fellow men, and that shit makes me sick to the bone. I have seen what some say about me, some even close friends, and it makes me sick to the bone-marrow.

This is a weekly reminder that never assume that women are nice people. They are human. Treat them as the next human being, or fellow men. Deal with them one by one.

Today, jump out of that friendzone.

By Silas Nyanchwani

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