By AOKO OTIENO.

On Tuesday, (June 23), a 42-year-old Kakamega man thought he was coming, little did he know that he was going. No, this is no cock and bull story, a man really groaned, panted and heaved his way to his ancestors after injecting a sexual stimulant.

The incident was confirmed by Kakamega Central OCPD, David Kabena- who averred that the deceased quadragenarian- a married man-died in a lodging facility in Kakamega town where he had booked himself in the company of a 31-year-old woman.

Listen fellas, sex is the most overrated thing in the world. Granted, it is thrilling to be able to cradle in the arms of the one you are attracted to and experience the heights of pleasure and intimacy that sex can bring to a relationship. But unless there is anything substantial between the pair of you, just like the inebriation derived from alcohol or the intoxication of a drug, the euphoria will simply last for a while and with time eventually ebb.

All that overwhelming sense of desire will thaw once you roll over and shut your eyes, and all the spoken words, hours consumed, money spent up until those precious five minutes of elation slowly grind to a halt afterwards. So please, stop worrying about penile enlargement supplements and eschew fraudsters who sell some random roots that promise an erection that transports women to heaven.

Even if you are the bull of Oakland, women will still yap over how lazy, unromantic and unskilled Kenyan men are in the bedroom. Listen to them describe the kind of man they fancy between the sheets and you will be convinced that they are a cabal of misguided damsels who are unhinged after watching so many soap operas, reading trashy literature like 50 Shades of nonsense and indulging in too much porn.

There is more to life than toe-curling, mind-boggling sex. We can’t fight Corona and build an economy if all the productive people think about is sweating on top of each other. Sex conversations drown our FM radio stations and online magazines that you may think we are a sex-crazed country. Listen up, Singapore that we were loaning at Independence did not get to where it is because its energetic men and women think about orgasms more than anything else.

Gentlemen, sex is first for procreation. If you have the wherewithal to page a woman then you would have fulfilled your divine duty as a man- “go yee and multiply.” If in the process of fulfilling that duty, you get her eyes rolling in the back of its sockets, sending her body torn into smithereens of pleasure, then that is an added bonus she should be thankful about.

Ladies, if he convulses on you after the third thrust, stop throwing tantrums. Does he provide? Does he pay school fees for the children, pays rent and performs other manly roles? Then, please, hold your peace!

In fact, heck, let me be candid with you women, what’s the worst that can happen anyway? You are largely to blame for the lackadaisical performance of your men in bed. In the case of the Kakamega man (God rest his soul), his wife bemoaned that he had not touched her for a whole year. How do you touch a Kenyan wife when they are infamous for nagging, whining and lamenting so much they can tear the cochlea in your ear?

And those who are not wives yet, are materialistic and will ask for 3k ya salon the moment you ask for her name. Before she agrees for a romp, she will want you to pay for Uber, treat her to some overrated restaurant and when you finally get that wet crack, you are drained and too mentally bogged to perform. Take these weave flipping millennials home and they barely know how to cook or even create a good environment for lovemaking. Yet they want mind-boggling sex. Abso-freaking-lutely madness!

Our East-African counterparts beat us hands down. In the spirit of ‘Jumuia ya Afrika Mashariki,’ we should emulate these women, they are impeccable and make a man want to do more for them. Respectful. Loving. And for Ugandan women, the kachabali queens, they go an extra-mile to make sex a pleasurable experience.

Women need to understand various variables when it comes to sex. Men’s sexual appetite generally declines. Biologically, they can’t sustain mind-blowing sex every day. You don’t need a PhD to fathom such innocuous logic. The older a man gets; the more responsibilities are bestowed on their shoulders. Sick parents, school fees, job or business-related stress, and these things can take a toll on any man. Mature women understand. But some of these gorofa college-educated women who believe in the gospel of “you can have it all” are driving men to an early grave with nonsensical demands.

Dear mamacitas, wives et al, do not drive these men into early graves and make them salvage their masculinity by using Viagra when you can create a conducive environment for great sex. Up your game. For instance, why are you serving a man noodles and left over mchele-carrots that has been in the fridge for two days? Then stop being overly demanding and materialistic, stop going to bed and lying next to your man without taking a shower with the stench of your three months old weave giving him constant sinuses; ditch the full armor of the lord you climb to bed with, stop frowning and dish him a smile and I can guarantee you, you will get transported to Bermuda every time you get down.

Also, if you are going to lie there like a log and expect mind-blowing orgasms, you need a reality check. Men can’t pay all your bills, and still search for your elusive G-spot that has never been found like the Luhya unity while you are there, barely lifting a finger other than breathing heavily like a Chimp. I’m out.

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